Terms of Endearment
Excerpt from The Whole Language-the power of extravagant tenderness. Gregory Boyle.
“Endearments are the containers of our tenderness. Sacraments delivered daily. They are the words and gestures that transport our love from one person to another. It is, I suppose, all we have.”
As always when I read Father Greg I am moved and also inspired to examine something from a different point of view. The notion of endearments struck me as something that I need to do more of…as I looked over a period of time, I searched for where I was speaking endearments and to whom. I checked to see if there was humor in them as well as delight. What I noticed was I deliver compliments often and I think well, but I also see endearments as something greater. Something softer and more vulnerable to give… A sacrament is making something holy. Giving it the import of the sacred. Perhaps that I don’t do so much. Don’t confuse sacrament with religion in this context…I mean the everyday – the mundane that we endow with an endearment. To those we pass at the grocery store or in line somewhere as well as those we love and revere.
It was easy to find some endearments that have been sent my way. As I navigate the waters of mourning, I have a dear friend who lives in Boston. She and I speak twice weekly to support each other in the sacrament of prayer. We both grew up in and near Detroit- we both have common memories of things associated with our life in the mid-west. As she has consoled me during this time, she provided an endearment that shifted my heart – she offered herself as an adopted sister now that I have none. The artful thing about endearments is that they hit the mark – they touch the very thing we are longing for but cannot articulate – perhaps for fear we will be rejected, or someone will feel uncomfortable. So, when they come our way, unasked for- and on the mark – our heart feels full and seems to grow large inside our chest.
Father Greg tells a story of receiving a text from one of his homies who is complaining about the fact that Father Greg travels so much. He says- “G dawg we need you here – you are the Gumby of Homeboy industries. As Father Greg is contemplating his reply – the next text clarifies…I mean Ghandi of Homeboy.” (gotta love auto correct). The humor and delight in this exchange of endearments softens us as we laugh and Love wells up along sometimes with tears.
The last time I lost a family member it was my 98-year-old father – I was consulting with Hallmark at the time, and I mentioned my Dad a lot in my classes there. Not surprisingly I received sympathy cards from so many people in my classes and although that wasn’t surprising (after all they are a card company) – what was written inside of each one – was a surprise. They contained reminders of what I shared in class surrounded by endearments to me for my sharing. I have never received such spot on remarks over such a tender moment in my life. I still have all those cards.
This proves conclusively that endearments matter…they make a lasting impact…on the giver and the receiver.
This week take an honest inventory of whether you have provided any endearments to anyone – be sure to distinguish them from a compliment – if you notice as I did, there is a deficit there – then begin to provide them. After all it is the week of Valentine’s Day (a perfect excuse). And then take note of the ones you receive and savor them- hold them in your heart and notice what happens. Happy Heart Day,
