Some years ago I was living in New York City when the holiday season was in full swing. I didn’t relish the idea of spending Christmas alone, so a friend connected me with serving Christmas dinner at the Salvation Army in Harlem. To say that it was a taste of things to come, still gives me chills (for those of you who know my work now you will see the connection). But at the time, I was working for IBM and enjoying the assignment I was given for 2 years, living the dream in the Big Apple.
I readily signed up for the dinner service and got a ride into one of the poorest areas of Harlem. We met with the Major that morning to learn our duties and the procedures to follow. His final instruction I have never forgotten – he said “ be sure to thank everyone for coming today, because without them, you wouldn’t get to go home tonight and feel good about yourself.” I was startled to tears and realized an aspect of gratitude that I have never forgotten. The real gift that Christmas, were the families that came there for dinner and I was receiving a gift, that I had not expected to receive.
Its interesting how we can stay focused on who is grateful to us – how they show that and if they don’t – the reactions we can have to the so called neglect….missing entirely that it is the giving that provides the joy – NOT how it is received. Recently I made a change in direction in my work, and said what I thought was a gracious farewell to the outgoing group. I noticed that I expected some sort of thanks for my efforts and it probably won’t surprise you to read that not one person said a word. I would like to say that my disappointment passed in a few moments, but alas it stayed with me the entire day.
Yes I found the irony in writing a blog about gratitude and feeling VERY ungrateful for the lack thereof. I have learned there are no accidents in God’s universe, so I knew there was something to learn from this experience – that I was being shown something both about how I hold gratefulness and how I hold others in the process.
As I said, in the first post –quid pro quo has become the order of how we see and experience the grace of gratitude. I also said I was writing this blog to turn that on its head – so no surprise I had to be turned on my head first. (how I hate when that happens) Radical gratitude diminishes the importance of the “object” of giving; and focuses instead on the intent and the impact. When I discovered that, I realized that was the rub – I felt like people in my life were missing what I intended to give through the vehicle of whatever form the giving took.
More than once in my life, I have turned to another pair of eyes for insight into what I am missing when disappointment and hurt show up. My good friend, Julie, who I hope is readying this blog post, pointed me to another radical notion. What if the impetus to give, out of the gratefulness of the heart , was actually part of an innate design and not coming from the circumstance at all – therefore free of any specific response.
In other words, what if I can’t help doing it in the particular way I do it – because it is part of the design of my life, and doesn’t depend on anyone or anything? Radical huh? After I had time to let that marinate, I realized it was spot on. I also realized that it is part of all of us – and our design of life – just expressed in unique and interestingly human ways. When we are just looking for the way “we do it” we miss our own true nature and the nature of the receivers of our gifts- and since oneness is a potential way to look at life – we understand the adage…”to give is to receive”.
As we head into the season of giving – lets move beyond the stuff of giving- to the reasons and lets look at how we are wired up to give – and to be grateful in that natural loving way that brings us joy and peace.
Wherever that Major from the Salvation Army in Harlem now resides – in this life or the next – my thanks to you for teaching me something very precious – that was the foretelling of my serving the poor. And thanks to Julie – for the wisdom she always brings to my life.
And thanks to all of you for reading this – next week we take a look at the tailwinds and the headwinds of gratitude.
Peace and blessings,
